The motherhood chronicles: “Don’t be quick to judge”

Most mothers will be familiar with this, “judging a mother or father consciously or unconsciously before you became infected by the parenthood bug.” When I take a look at myself now compared to the era of BK ( Before kids), I see a significant change in my perception to life and I have had to let go of certain habits to be a better mum and person.

Before………….

In the BK era, I couldn’t stand seeing disgusting things like people spitting, soiled washrooms and any disgusting image you can imagine. Almost everyone cannot stand these sights but mine was on a different level. The mere sight of any disgusting thing meant I had to brush my teeth or rinse my mouth plus psychologically get my mind to erase the picture. That would take hours before even daring to touch anything or eat. I could even stay hungry till the brainwash process was complete. I used to say that whenever I had a kid, I would hire someone to do that job (changing of diapers) for me. That was how bad it was.

After……….

You should see me now. Those things still disgust me though. People should be sanctioned for indiscriminate spitting, that really gets on my nerves. I remember the first stinky poop after the meconium (black sticky poop), I was about eating some red red (fried ripe plantain with beans stew) and had to change her diaper. I was torn between eating first (satisfying my selfish self) or changing her diaper (satisfying her at the risk of losing my appetite).  Was that even an option? We brought them into this world when they were sitting their somewhere (direct translation from twi). It  also actually looked similar to the beans stew. The BK me would have let the food pass but I went straight to chowing (eating) after changing her diaper and washing my hands.

You know the bible verse: Matthew 7:1 ‘Judge not that you be not judged.’ I used to wonder how people handled their phones to end up with scratches and looking like the cat had a scratch fight with it. I considered them careless because I could really keep a phone and it would still look almost new. Apologies to anyone I misjudged. You should see my phone in the AK era, the phone is really suffering. In fact if you find a phone with no cracks in my house then it’s probably brand new and yet to go through the initiation rites. Little boss lady drops it in water (don’t know what scientific hypothesis she wants to test) and throws it away in a fit of tantrum like she has been hired by the manufacturer to test its strength and durability.

I used to wonder what could make families consistently late to church. My idealist mind just couldn’t decipher this. I get it now. I am usually late to church about 10 to 30 minutes. One time we got to church and mass had almost ended, we just drove through the church and went back home. You wake up early though, but getting a kid ready for work or school is a difficult task. Imagine packing up for a 2 to 3 days trip, yup…..now that’s similar to packing your kids stuff just for a few hours away from home. I try packing a day before but the funny thing that still beats my mind is that I still end up spending the same time. Your CHILD might also keep you awake all night and you would end up waking up late to church. As for alarms forget it! Sometimes if it wasn’t for the snooze I would have concluded that my alarm was faulty. I probably need one of those slapping alarm devices to wake me up.

The BK me had time to go shopping for clothes or shoes for occasions but now even managing to look good is a luxury. Not forgetting getting to the office or church with food or dirt stains. Wig caps and crochet braids are now my best hair pals. No long Rasta things. Oh and before I forget, am still wearing old clothes and I keep lying to myself that a wardrobe change was needed about 2 years ago. I still tell myself this and never act on it. I however manage to miraculously make time to shop for my kids. 🙂

I like things to be perfect but I realised in the kingdom of children you should let your guard down, have fun and be perfectly imperfect.

OMT

Through all this, I have learnt not to prematurely form conclusions and judge others (not only parents) if I haven’t yet taken a step in their shoes.

What’s your story? What habits have you had to change for your kids sake? We would love to hear from you.

Also check out our post on Daily Struggles of a Mother: My Top 5 on the hubpages!

The #EndMommyWars Film – The judgment stops here | Similac® – YouTube

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2K18y1W2Lek

Most moms would probably have already seen this video trending on social media by Similac. It’s very real. One way or the other we find ourselves judging others as moms or moms-to-be.

I planned on writing a post on the struggles of a mom, in a world where everyone has an opinion on how you care for your baby. It can be annoying sometimes, although we know some mean good.

I usually calm myself to avoid any angry outbursts which I would later regret. One thing I have learnt in my 9 months as a mom is that no one knows your baby as best as his or her mom does. It’s a natural thing. We truly have a wonderful God we worship.

Recently I took my baby for her shots and as expected, she cried a lot. I was soothing her whilst trying to pack up her stuff to leave when I heard another mother say, “Your baby is crying”. My first reaction was, “Duh… am I deaf not to hear her cries, am I blind not to see she is in pain” I almost rolled my eyes. But on second thought I chose it best to ignore her and pretend I never heard her comment.

Another instance was when I took my 9 months old for her first evening show. She had fun and also slept in between. I was seated with her head resting comfortably against me when a lady tapped me only to tell me my daughter looks sleepy. “What? Am I such a bad mother to see my daughter so sleepy that I would intentionally keep her up and prevent her from doing so?”. I usually ignore such comments but this time, I told her that was why she was positioned that way to rest her head on my chest. She still wanted to insist on how I was holding her but I emphasised that my daughter was comfortable. Guess what happened in the next 5 minutes: Baby was awake and shouting and enjoying the show. I know my girl, you can’t just become an expert on her for just under an hour. It’s not possible unless you are God.

There are a lot of scenarios but these are just a few.

Frankly speaking before I became a mom, I used to think that all moms should breastfeed, have a natural birth, handle their annoyingly fidgety kids among others but all that changed afterwards. Don’t be quick to judge!

Before judging think these through:

If baby is not being breastfed it could be because her mom has a breast infection or she is unable to produce enough milk. Do you know how broken her heart was when she discovered she couldn’t breastfeed her little angel? Don’t add insult to her injuries.

If you found out she had a c-section, it could be because it wasn’t safe for either mom or baby or baby’s position didn’t allow for a natural birth. I know a couple of moms who opted for natural births only to have a c-section at the last minute. Some feel disappointed. So don’t be quick to judge.

I could go on and on but the essence of it all is to avoid premature judgements. Think through what you want to say before opening your mouth. A mom is already exhausted to have someone just sit there and judge her.

If what you have to say is not value – adding to her as a mom, then it will do everyone a lot of good to keep your opinion to yourself.

Join twitter and share your experiences with the hashtag #endmommywars.

Share this post and tag any struggling mom out there. This judgement must stop!